I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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