dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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