i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
