I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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