i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
