girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
