11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
