Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
