weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
