remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
