I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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