I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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