census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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