I am midnight drunk by noon
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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