so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
