Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize