if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
