Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
