I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
