I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
