I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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