her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
