today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
