Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Don't make out with my wife yet
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
