Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
