the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
