We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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