first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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