he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
