"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
