A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
