dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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