I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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