got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize