Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
