she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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