I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
