On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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