The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
