when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
