Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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