and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize