I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
