he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
