I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
