Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
