I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
