New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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