dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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