Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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