I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
