I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
