Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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