Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize