i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
