i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
and you fell through a lawn chair
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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