My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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