Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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