Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
