There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
